I have never used my blog as a place to unload my feelings or current struggles. But today I am struggling and don't have an outlet for my feelings.
I am a mother of a 25 year old wonderful young man. He called me yesterday in tears. He was crying so hard I could not understand what he was telling me. I first had to calm him some so the words could come out of his mouth.
Between tears and large gulps of air I learned that his favorite teacher had died. This teacher touched so many young lives. (There is a memory page for him on Facebook if you are interested. His name was Brian Flagsted.)
I talked to my son about these memories. I told him it was OK to mourn. That it was OK to cry. I gave him comfort the only way I knew how. But I feel that I have somehow failed him.
I asked him if he was going to the funeral. He said he didn't think he could handle it. I told him it would be good for him to go and be with people he knew that were feeling the same loss that he was. He told me yesterday that he would think about it.
Today he told he was not going to go. I tried to talk to him about it and give him the reason again. I finally left it alone.
I am a mother whose heart is aching for her son. I want so much to help him. But at the same time I know that because he is an adult he has to make his own decisions. My heart still aches.
I am afraid he will regret not going. And regrets are something you can never get rid of, they are always with you.
I am rambling here. I am not even making very coherent sentences and I really hate that. I think my grammar might be off and oh forget about punctuation.
But I am really glad to have this as a place to pour my heart out. I have always found solace in writing. I am hoping to find it again.
I was planning on starting my short story yesterday. I could not. I couldn't again tonight. The story I am going to write is a happy story written from the perspective of a happy woman. Tonight I am not that woman.
My heart is aching for my son. Am I over reacting to his hurt? I don't know.