Saturday, January 23, 2010

Not in Use

I have never used my blog as a place to unload my feelings or current struggles. But today I am struggling and don't have an outlet for my feelings.

I am a mother of a 25 year old wonderful young man. He called me yesterday in tears. He was crying so hard I could not understand what he was telling me. I first had to calm him some so the words could come out of his mouth.

Between tears and large gulps of air I learned that his favorite teacher had died. This teacher touched so many young lives. (There is a memory page for him on Facebook if you are interested. His name was Brian Flagsted.)

I talked to my son about these memories. I told him it was OK to mourn. That it was OK to cry. I gave him comfort the only way I knew how. But I feel that I have somehow failed him.

I asked him if he was going to the funeral. He said he didn't think he could handle it. I told him it would be good for him to go and be with people he knew that were feeling the same loss that he was. He told me yesterday that he would think about it.
Today he told he was not going to go. I tried to talk to him about it and give him the reason again. I finally left it alone.

I am a mother whose heart is aching for her son. I want so much to help him. But at the same time I know that because he is an adult he has to make his own decisions. My heart still aches.

I am afraid he will regret not going. And regrets are something you can never get rid of, they are always with you.

I am rambling here. I am not even making very coherent sentences and I really hate that. I think my grammar might be off and oh forget about punctuation.

But I am really glad to have this as a place to pour my heart out. I have always found solace in writing. I am hoping to find it again.

I was planning on starting my short story yesterday. I could not. I couldn't again tonight. The story I am going to write is a happy story written from the perspective of a happy woman. Tonight I am not that woman.
My heart is aching for my son. Am I over reacting to his hurt? I don't know.


  1. I came by to check this out (suggestion from Calico C) but was having a bit of a dry period.. its the weekend (and late at night), so I'm not sure I'm ready? Anyway, I can understand as I'm going through something different with my son. It's hard to let stand back when your the parent- but its ok, that's how they learn. (I didn't feel that way last night though). Hope your feeling better. My best,

  2. It's so hard to see our children hurt. You haven't failed your son at all. You were there and provided comfort to him at this difficult time. While funerals bring comfort and closure to some, they do not provide this for everyone. There are many ways of saying goodbye. Let your son chose his and continue to be there for him. You sound like a wonderful mother, Regina. You will be in my thoughts.

  3. My daughter's only 7, and the hardest thing is that even now I can't always fix things. I'm not a funeral person, they really don't do anything for me, if I go it is to make other's happy. For me it is more a process over time of remembering and sharing as I need and want to. I hope that both of you will find some peace in the coming days.

  4. I share Grandma's opinion. My son (36) lost his best friend last year and it was horrible because he found him dead. His friend died of a heart attack at 35 in his bed. I listened to him and let him talk there was not much to say. I am not funeral at all, I never go to graveyards, I prefer thinking and moarning about the loved once I lost at home. My son is different. He went to the funerals and still visits his grave. See, everybody has to do what he thinks is best. Don't be sad for him, I am sure he did the right choice.

  5. Oh your poor son! Death is such a hard thing. Everyone deals with it so differently. I am not a funeral person, and there have been many I did not attend. I am fine with that, and I am sure your son will be too. Just continue to love him through this hard time.

  6. Oh Trudy,
    You are so not over reacting. He needed his mama and you were there. Our kids will not always heed our advice but they do listen and in the end they know that you will be there no matter what they decide.

    I know that you love him, it shines through your posts.

    Love you friend,

  7. Thank you everyone for all of your help. I gave much thought to each post. They all helped. My heart is still heavy but it is somehow made lighter by your words.

  8. I am so sorry for your son's deeply felt grief.
    May the Lord comfort him and may his friend/teacher rest in the peace of HEAVEN.
    From this mother's heart to yours: Aching for your son means that you have LOVED...not being able to take his pain away means that you have SUFFERED OUT OF both of these things to God will allow Him to mingle them in a way that only HE that he make take your sorrow and your son's pain and HEAL IT...then send it back to you as MORE LOVE.
    I am sure that your son was so glad to hear your voice on the phone that day :)