Sunday, May 24, 2009


I don't worry. I know that I probably should, but I just don't. There doesn't seem to be any point to it. If I worry about something that MIGHT happen, can I stop it from happening? Probably not. If I worry about something that HAS happened can I change the outcome? Definitely not.

My family and friends say two things about me. They say I am living with my head in the sand or that I am looking at life through rose colored glasses. But I don't care. I am happy with my vague look at life. And I sleep just fine.

My husband is a worrier. He used to worry about what was going to happen to him when he was away from home. He also worried what was happening to his home when he was gone. Now he can't leave. He is too afraid.

It is called agoraphobia. Technically, it is a fear of open spaces. That isn't his fear, but maybe for some it is. He makes a joke and says that, "agra - phobia is the fear of farms." But I know what it costs him to make that joke.

I know what his worry has cost us as a couple.
We used to enjoy going to garage sales and flea markets in the summer. We don't nowadays. We used to go to dinner. Not any longer. We used to make a day by going North to do some shopping. We would have lunch out and have a grand time. Not at this point.
We grow farther and farther apart. Partly my fault because I get angry that I have to do all the errands by myself now. That I have to go garage saling alone. It just isn't any fun.
I know it sounds selfish but it really is frustration.

I guess maybe I was wrong about me not worrying. I am praying for a miracle to happen to make him well again. But I am worried that one isn't coming.


  1. I suffer from severe depression, when I'm at my worst I don't leave my home. I've learned though with each little step I take, I'm able to take another. Granted there are set backs, but I keep trying. Perhaps you can encourage your husband to try the baby steps himself. Doing something within range of the home so that if things get to hectic he can head back.

    I know it's frustrating for family. My son wore the brunt of my depression. For such a young man when it all began, he was left with the whys his mom once strong no longer to cope. Fortunately my folks stepped in and helped. Now I'm able to do way more and have more highs than lows.

    While this is hard on you, don't quit encouraging your husband to make those small steps. ((hugs))

  2. I ache for you and your husband - and send prayers.