Sunday, April 12, 2009

Scary Things

I am mildly afraid of many things.

I am afraid of spiders. Or really any creepy crawly. But especially spiders. EWWW.

I am afraid of heights. I can't even stand on a chair. I am afraid of staircases where you can see through each step. I can't do those at all. I am afraid of swings. Yes, swings like at the park. They go too high.

But, the thing that is a take my breath away kind of fear is the fear of losing my son.

Every since he was born, 25 years now, I have had this dread that I would outlive him.

He was such a good baby. Everyone said so. He was an excellent boy. Everyone agreed. He has turned into a fine young man. I am not alone in this belief.

But long ago when he was just a baby, I have felt that God was going to take him from me. I don't know why God is going to do it, just that He is.

I know that God gave him to me because He wanted me to have a baby, and He knew that I couldn't handle being a mother to an ordinary, crying, fussy baby. I really don't like children. So God gave me a child who far exceeds any child I have ever known. And because my son is a gift, God can do what He wants with him. I am not angry at God just kind of resigned.

At first I thought it was me who was going to be leaving but no, it is my son. I know this as a fact, just like I know my name.

I think that if my feeling of dread becomes a realization, I will have to be put away. I do not think that I can survive. No, I know I will not survive. I will go into a stupor never to return.

My life will cease to have meaning.

So until that day arrives, I will cherish every minute I get to spend with him.

Yes, I have fears of the mildly neurotic things and then there is this fear that borders on fanatical.

1 comment:

  1. That is a frightening fear. Most of what we fear isn't true...but it is scary just the same. Well written, the emotion comes through clearly.